I started to get good at pretending and fooling myself that I was okay. But the more I pretended to be fine and happy, the angrier and depressed I became. Why am I so angry and get annoyed so easily? People are being nice to me and I feel like punching them in the throat. Okay, not to that extreme, but somewhere less than that. I tried to avoid hanging out with people at work. I stayed in my office and would only come out when it was truly necessary to interact with them. I figured, the less people are exposed to me while I'm feeling this way, the better it will be in the end.
I started to think, where is this anger and frustration coming from? After doing some reflecting, I came to realize that I felt like there was a part of me missing. I'm walking around with a hole that was getting bigger and deeper. I don't feel complete and therefore, I'm not happy.
What is this void? Could it be the lack of closure I was given when my relationship ended? Bingo! Should I blame this on my ex? I wanted to so badly but the truth is, even though he had a role in causing me to feel this way, I was the one responsible for letting it bring me down.
What is closure exactly and why do we need it? After doing some research, I came to the conclusion that closure is the "permission to move on." It makes sense. When a relationship ends, you are angry and left with so many unanswered questions. Why did it have to end? Where do I go from here? Was this my fault? How can I make this better? The truth is, and in reality, one hardly ever receives this closure from the other person. So, what happens instead? That's where the anger comes in and you see people doing weird and awful things to the person who hurt them or to themselves.
So, all this time, I was feeling incomplete. Sadness filled my heart. What an awful emotional state to be in. I don't deserve this and worst of all, why was I letting the sadness rule my life? Why was I waiting for the ex to give me closure when I was the one who I needed to give it to myself?
You don't need anyone's permission to be happy and live the life that you want. You are in control of your own life. Asking for permission only means that you have given your sense of control to another person. So, I am taking my power back! I've given pep talks to other people about reclaiming back their power before and have left my office feeling better about themselves. So, why wasn't I giving myself that same love, support, and encouragement? I knew it was time to change.
This is an ongoing topic which I'm certain I will revisit again in the future. My goal: To be in a better place in all areas of my life. And most importantly, I don't want to pretend to be happy anymore.
I'll be back later,
Mayra :)
I started to think, where is this anger and frustration coming from? After doing some reflecting, I came to realize that I felt like there was a part of me missing. I'm walking around with a hole that was getting bigger and deeper. I don't feel complete and therefore, I'm not happy.
What is this void? Could it be the lack of closure I was given when my relationship ended? Bingo! Should I blame this on my ex? I wanted to so badly but the truth is, even though he had a role in causing me to feel this way, I was the one responsible for letting it bring me down.
What is closure exactly and why do we need it? After doing some research, I came to the conclusion that closure is the "permission to move on." It makes sense. When a relationship ends, you are angry and left with so many unanswered questions. Why did it have to end? Where do I go from here? Was this my fault? How can I make this better? The truth is, and in reality, one hardly ever receives this closure from the other person. So, what happens instead? That's where the anger comes in and you see people doing weird and awful things to the person who hurt them or to themselves.
So, all this time, I was feeling incomplete. Sadness filled my heart. What an awful emotional state to be in. I don't deserve this and worst of all, why was I letting the sadness rule my life? Why was I waiting for the ex to give me closure when I was the one who I needed to give it to myself?
How to find closure
It's not something that will be an overnight fix. My first step was realizing that I was going to have good days and bad days and that was okay. I will admit that I'm not the same person as I was before and I don't want to be the old me anymore. She's gone and good riddance to her! Instead, I want to be a stronger woman for myself. A woman who can take care of herself and not feel helpless anymore. I knew that I needed to work on finding my own closure. Give myself permission to let go of the sadness and have a bigger purpose to keep going. What will my purpose be? I'm on the road to find out. I don't know when I will find closure for myself but what I do know is that I am not going to depend on anyone else to give it to me. I'm on my way to self-recovery and self-improvement.
The things I have learned so far
You don't need anyone's permission to be happy and live the life that you want. You are in control of your own life. Asking for permission only means that you have given your sense of control to another person. So, I am taking my power back! I've given pep talks to other people about reclaiming back their power before and have left my office feeling better about themselves. So, why wasn't I giving myself that same love, support, and encouragement? I knew it was time to change.This is an ongoing topic which I'm certain I will revisit again in the future. My goal: To be in a better place in all areas of my life. And most importantly, I don't want to pretend to be happy anymore.
I'll be back later,
Mayra :)
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